Disorder

Being in the entrance of my own thoughts,
I see how far they are from my own reality.
When I have a look, I think it's easy.
They seem manageable, just because they are part of me,
but they are not!

They are always there, living up there, with no permission,
creating a dangerous grey cloud around, choking my inner self,
with a halo made of superficial smiles, which are cutting me
as cold broken glasses.

I need to control them, but I have to find their roots first.
And I know...
When I'll find them, it will be painful.

Lots of memories around, as roots of my thoughts,
wandering everywhere.
I need to place them in their right place,
and this means to block them in some less dangerous space,
or to uproot them, definitelly, from my own conscius brain.

And I know this is the best option but...
Will I be able to uproot part of me out?
Would you cut your own gangrenous hand
if you had to do it yourself?

I am not the brave I think I am,
and my thoughts,
like skyscrapers will become higher and more unattainable,
and I will lose their end point of reference,
in the middle of that grey cloud my feelings had created,
around my memories, using heart thoughts.

It's time to stop this.
Time to confront myself, to face my images
and to see them as what they are, just memories.

Locking them in a comfortable brain room,
to avoid them coming back to my world.
Feeling me free to feel and think properly
my everyday, and to enjoy with the good and the bad.

I have to
It's time to order, time to stop.